muslim romance core

"and we created you in pairs"

I love love. Let me start there. When I decided I wanted to talk about "Muslim couple goals," or specifically the romanticisation of Muslim relationships, I realised I am torn in two ways. As a married woman who has no doubt directly contributed to "Muslim couple goals" unintentionally with my wedding and the occasional vacation photo, I love seeing healthy Muslim relationships portrayed online. Although I say "portrayed" because you never really know the status of someone's relationship. I have a healthy marriage (Alhamdulilah) and believe that, after decades of brutal portrayals of Muslim people, it's powerful that we are now taking the lead in depicting our community authentically, right from the source.

Growing up, I only ever saw a racist perspective on my own community. Every morning before school, the news would be on, and often there was a story about a child bride in Afghanistan or a British woman who fell in love with an ISIS member and was stuck overseas, etc. I’m sure you can imagine. It was, of course, jarring and frustrating because in real life, everyone around me was married for decades and married for love. So, as I got older and developed an interest in romance myself in my early teens, during the pre-TikTok era, I saw sickly romantic Western couples based on long-term dating, living like they were in real-life rom-coms. I thought I could never have that level of passion and romance because I’m Muslim. And Muslim love isn’t as passionate or desirable—a false assumption, based on being young and naive, but also because I didn’t see it in media and or pop-culture.

I met my husband when we were 18. He slid in my DM’s (a Gen Z love story) and didn’t see each other in person until we were both studying at a library. We got engaged at 21, had our religious wedding (Nikkah or Katb Kitab) later that year, and married at 23. Our love reshaped my perspective on love entirely. He shows me kindness, patience, and joy unconditionally. He is my best friend, and I never get sick of his company. On a deeper level, we beautifully blended our cultures, and he reminds me to be a better Muslim, while I try to do the same for him. Because of this, I think to myself—what harm does sharing my wedding, for example, have, if I can show one Muslim girl who feels she can never be loved or can never love, that she is deserving and should aspire to be loved and to give love as well?

I do think this topic will bring a different perspective for everyone, which was evident when I put a poll on my Instagram and plenty of opposing views came in. I think the basis of these opposing perspectives comes down to how you were raised and what your real-life examples of love looked like. For example, will your perspective change if your parents are divorced or happily in love? What about if you had strict parents growing up, and instead of being encouraged to be independent and self-reliant, you were told to wait until marriage before you could travel, get a piercing, etc.? It really does all vary.

The one thing we all have in common as Muslim women, I’m sure, is growing up understanding the importance of marriage, regardless. It is known that marriage completes half your deen, which shows how significant and powerful it is. We are taught that we were created in pairs, and how our destiny is already written for us. We learn the significance of family, and how having children and being a mother is highly respected. These are all definitely factors in why we likely reach our teen years aspiring to be loved and imagining what God has written for us. We, and generally all young women (which is important to acknowledge), commonly dream of what our futures will look like and who we may end up with—and I have to add, it's harmless and sweet.

I think by now you can tell that this piece isn’t meant to critique how we think as women, and most definitely not to shame women for aspiring to romance or wanting to be loved by a man. The core issue I have, which sparked my interest in this topic, is: when and where do we draw the line online? Are we positively or negatively contributing to the aspirations of the younger generation?

For me, living in Western Sydney, marriage and "couple goals" have been topics of conversation among Muslims since we were young—maybe too young. In high school, my peers were so focused on the wedding and the status the relationship might bring that they weren't considering, for one, if the relationship was halal, and two, if they were even compatible. Since we don’t date, girls would often talk to boys without their parents knowing, and undoubtedly, lust and adrenaline were the driving forces—not whether he would be a good father or if he was career-focused, etc. Basically, the big questions you ask someone you dedicate yourself to. Although marriage was the hot topic for my generation, and I even attended the wedding of one of my classmates in Year 12, we went to the wedding, and I had to be home at a certain time because I still had school and a curfew. Upon reflection, it's controversial. I do think that due to TikTok and the rise of Muslim content creators, it's gotten worse.

Now, when I speak to younger Muslim women, they often mention how desperately they want to get married. Their posts on TikTok are all associated with "Muslim couple goals." Again, it’s not bad—nor is it unlike any young woman, regardless of her cultural or religious background, to want a boyfriend. So why should we shame the women in our community for wanting a halal marriage? The issue for me is that these girls aren’t seeing the true ins and outs of marriage. Often, if you ask a Muslim content creator how marriage is, they’ll say "amazing," which is great for them. When I get asked, I try to be as honest as possible without letting nosy people pick apart my relationship. But ultimately, it’s different for everyone. As someone who struggles with mental health issues and unpacked it all in my second year of marriage, it was hard. Adjusting to living with a man was hard, balancing a house, a career, and family is hard, keeping my own hobbies was hard, and being 40 minutes away from my parents was hard.

I think this is where I find it difficult: Are we inspiring young women who look up to us to believe that marriage makes you a successful person? That marriage will fix everything? That marriage is easy and like a Turkish dizi show (had to mention that)? Are we allowing room for the same young girls to understand that it’s okay if their marriages don’t work out, that it’s okay if they don’t find love until their 30s or 40s, or even later? Are we creating space for hard conversations—like domestic violence, financial struggles, or drug abuse—to be addressed more directly?

On this note, I am an advocate for the idea that Muslim content creators aren’t responsible for everything, but there’s no denying we’ve played a large role in the growth of the conversation. For example, I could post a photo of myself right now, and it would get an average amount of likes, which I would expect based on my reach. But if I were to post a photo of me and my husband, I’d get double—if not triple—the amount of likes, along with plenty of shares, saves, and comments saying “Mashallah, goals” or “Me one day, Inshallah.” It’s flattering, but would anyone know if we had a fight before or after that post? Would anyone know if I was unhappy in my marriage? Could I be posting couple content to boost my social media reach and followers, which ultimately allows me to earn more money? If those were my intentions and you knew that, would you feel the same?

Some evidence of how we’ve directly increased the popularity of the romanticisation of couple content is that on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube, engagement with Muslim couple content has increased by 45-70% from 2020 to 2023. The hashtag #MuslimMarriage gained popularity on Instagram, with the growth of this hashtag being approximately 40-50% between 2019 and 2021, and a further growth of up to 80% in 2022-2023.

This can be great if we’ve allowed young women to strive for healthy marriages and to see love authentically. But on the other hand, I can’t help but think about the young women who feel like their marriages need to look like Instagram, and that they need to be married to feel content in themselves. Do you need a big wedding? No. Do you need to be financially well-off as a 20-something-year-old in your first year of marriage? No. Do you need to go on lavish dates, and does he need to buy you flowers every day and designer bags? No. Your relationship and marriage will look different from mine, and mine will look different from the next person’s.

I am a romantic and do think love is fantastical to a degree, but I’ve also found myself falling into societal pressures, which ultimately led me to the decision to keep my relationship mostly offline. I’m not opposed to the occasional birthday or anniversary post, or a post that feels genuine without the intent of jumping on the social media ‘craze.’ But I made this decision because my account is about me, and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want to influence you to get married or to have a marriage like mine. After being married for almost three years (in June next year), I don’t feel qualified enough to give you expertise on how to have a perfect marriage you should aspire to.

What I do want to influence is for you to be better and happier. Before I got married, I got a degree and prioritised education. I love having a career and being independent. But also, when I decide to step back, start a family, and embrace more ‘traditional’ roles, that’s okay too—because I chose that for myself. Ultimately, I want the girls who follow me to know that they have autonomy over their lives. If you decide not to pursue a degree and want to be a mother, I love that for you. In fact, I love that, because my mother made that choice, sacrificed herself for our family, and now at 49 is going to graduate university because she made that decision for herself. If you decide to do both, or not get married at all, it all comes down to the fact that you chose it for yourself.

As I said before, it’s important to note that this is a common tendency for women, period, and not solely an ‘issue’ for us Muslim women. But I do think, as Muslim women, we should be encouraging our younger generation to aspire to whatever their heart desires and not continue the narrative that "when you get married," life will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows, and that you can do it all. You are capable already. But I also won’t allow myself to make room for encouraging "haram." If you find a spouse, pursue it with God’s blessing, but also unpack what you’ve been taught, both culturally and religiously.

For me, I was talking to my husband before our Fatiha, like most Western Muslim women do. But since it wasn’t halal, I kept it offline. The same goes for when we had our Fatiha but weren’t yet religiously married—I kept it low-key and didn’t romanticise a relationship online with a man I couldn’t be alone with or touch because it wasn’t halal. In this sense, we also have a responsibility to influence correctly.

I’m realising I never really made up my mind on this topic, and I think many people online expected me to come on here and say, “Marriage isn’t the be-all and end-all, and stop romanticising it.” But the truth is, it’s unique and different for everyone. Context is key, and every woman aspires to different things. At the end of the day, women need to respect each other’s dreams and hopes and not shame one another for not wanting the same thing.

All I know is, as someone with a platform, I do take responsibility because, both socially and religiously, I will be held accountable. But I also have to agree that the overdone couple content—regardless of whether they’re Muslim or not—doesn’t provide an authentic portrayal of marriage. Especially as Muslim women, who often have less experience with the opposite sex and tend to not take things as ‘slow’ as Western relationships do, we need to be conscious of what we’re doing and the not-so-obvious impacts.

I hope you all find a love that inspires you daily, but God as we know is the best of planners. Your love may be a business, a man, or raising your children or a particular place, whatever it is, You deserve to be happy. Our stories won’t look the same and we have plenty to learn from one another.