to be a 'girl's girl'

selective empathy, my own trauma and online bullying

To be a 'girl's girl' means to be supportive and in solidarity with other women. We've heard this phrase all over social media in recent years, and what should be endearing and comforting often leaves me self-reflecting. Personally, I aspire to embody all that being a 'girl's girl' entails, but I am always striving to do better. In a world where women face constant misogyny and various hardships, we can only admit that we're trying our best to foster a unified community.

What inspired me to write up this piece was seeing ‘girls girl’ content on TikTok and wondering if i foster all the values and actions it takes to be one whole heartedly.

From the ages of 20 to 24 (I'm 25 now), I found myself trying to unpack my place in girlhood and female friendships. I was trying to understand why I found it terrifying and why any attempts to make new friends ended up with me convincing myself that I am better off alone. I would avoid interactions and keep to myself, which isn’t so bad, but it is when you consider whether if i’m doing my part in my industry and community to promote empowerment and support. I've realised that my reserved nature towards other women stemmed from years of childhood friendship trauma that had a greater impact than I initially thought. This isn't to say I got along better with boys— that is far from it. My early 20s were me anticipating issues and betrayal instead of allowing relationships to develop naturally. At the slightest hint of trouble, which is normal in any relationship, I would shut down emotionally.

Back in primary school, all I wanted was a friend group like those on Disney Channel shows and someone to buy me a friendship necklace we could match in. However, I attended three different schools, and my earliest memory of a friendship 'break-up' was when my best friend at age 7 or 8 lied to me about where she lived and excluded me from class MSN chats by giving me fake emails whenever I asked. Looking back, it's almost laughable, but at the time, it was confusing. This incident was followed at my next school by not finding a 'group' and doing extra homework during recess. When I finally did find a group, I was overjoyed, but it was short-lived because my 'best friend' didn't come to my next birthday party and didn't explain why, advising others not to attend either. I cried into my pillow, confused as to why this was happening after thinking myself we would be close forever. Naive yes but surely every 10 year old girl thinks the same thing.

These stories continued into high school, where I struggled with identity issues—never Arab enough for the Arab kids, nor 'Aussie' enough for the Australian-white kids. I floated between groups, having mindless conversations. When I did find some friends, they excluded me from group chats and plans and also didn’t defend me when a boy was immaturely harassing me and instead ignored my concerns and encouraged it. Another 'friend' accused me of 'following' her when I thought we were hanging out. Awkward. Fast forward to post-high school days at university, where friendships crumbled after a failed road trip (a true test), and I discovered a friend openly allowing gossip about me. The list goes on. I hold no grudges, and I appreciate how these experiences shaped me, but they undoubtedly left their mark. Also extra points to them because i can now laugh.

Experiencing friend breakups in my twenties, while preparing for marriage and navigating having platform, felt isolating. My trauma and anxiety made me overanalyse every interaction with other women, fearing I'd done something wrong or they were using me for my platform, not my personality. I know this is irrational and self-absorbed, but anxiety is exactly that, a tsunami of irrational thoughts.

I'm still learning to navigate life, and I'll never have all the answers, but this journey has made me hyper-vigilant about people's actions and setting safe boundaries for myself—something the old me couldn't do. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes women can be mean and clearly evil and deserve the criticism and exit from your life. But how you handle a really bad friendship breakup for example after the fact is the part to analyse.

A recurring theme I've noticed is women who call themselves 'girl's girls' but engage in online bullying or bring other women down. They may fail to advocate for women's rights—or if they do, it's selectively, serving their ego rather than a greater purpose. These same individuals frequently use the 'girl's girl' title online but don't support fellow creatives in their industries, opting instead for competition over collaboration. To me, being a 'girl's girl' isn't about claiming the title; it's about embodying it in both thought and action. Are you a ‘girls girl’ if you don’t defend women’s rights in Palestine? Sudan? Cambodia? Are you a ‘girl’s girl’ if you have selective empathy?

There’s nothing we all want more (i hope) than a unified community of women especially in your own community, for me being the local muslim women or the online community of women i associate with. Especially when being muslim and Arab is already a niche, imagine being unified enough where big powerful companies and injustices in our industry like racism etc are dealt with in unison with a strong front.

Even for someone like myself with a lot of internalised issues i probably need to unpack professionally, i haven’t given up on girlhood and all that entails. I think female friendships are one of the greatest joys in life and you are lucky to say you’ve experienced them.

Were not perfect and i really do mean that, but the world we live in today i hope i see less of the trend of being a ‘girls girl’ and more action. (myself included).